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Bowen Island, B.C., Canada

Yesterdays post was about not losing hope, apparently she is giving up on me though and we are now officially ‘just friends’. Said it many times in my life – oh well, it is what it is.

Went up to the treehouse after the morning at the BBC and minded the doggies while she and her friends took in an Olympic hockey game. They got back to the island, and I got back to the 1985 Mazda GLC to sleep until another day. Just before retiring, a phone call and she still wants to pay me for what has been done to date on the web site project in progress. Last night under duress of tiredness it seemed like a good idea, but this morning it feels like tainted money and understanding that my brain works a lot better in the earlier part of the day I will have to refuse.

It’s a substantial sum, enough to get another vehicle like the version one van and better. A very tempting thing when you are just about to sleep on a car seat that doesn’t fold down flat and preparing to turn over five or six times during the night to work out the kinks that come with that. It feels like a worthy web site project though and as has long been said, that if something isn’t worth doing for free then it isn’t worth doing at all and I would like to see it come to fruition.

The sun will be out over the next few days, with any luck along with a complete cleaning out of debris the mold smell will be gone and it will be worthy as a sleeping place again. It didn’t take too many months to save up the $1500 for the version one van, so if van one doesn’t work out then the car will have to suffice between house/pet sitting jobs. It is what it is.

We met and talked yesterday, have the feeling when she says ‘I understand’ she really does not get it at all when I try to convey the concept of a priceless life and work when in the same breath puts a price on  it.

And I am having a hard time absorbing that she believes everything done so far is the result of the universe pushing her that way and none of the choices she has made were hers. For myself, and when I look around at other people and her can not escape that everyone makes their choices in life. Mother Nature aside that is, one can not control where or whom they are born to or earthquakes and such but at most points in time we are where we chose to be.

Not giving up on her or myself though quite just yet, we were brought and chose to be together for some reason and have the feeling that there is more to come.

It is with the greatest sense of deja vue that I sit here in the parking lot of the marina once again. About this time last year was when I met her, and it has been a very interesting and mind expanding time together.

Valentine’s Day today, an ironic day to walk away from her to say the least. It was a painful year on the inside for me, different worlds for me and her and a man can only do so much before he can’t take it anymore. It’s a feeling of  shared worlds that didn’t happen, the Michaelangelo effect perhaps in reverse. I would have loved to be accepted as who am I now and not just for my potential, the loss of that hope that it would be so, perhaps where my sadness this evening comes.

Some crying to do tonight, and tomorrow is a new dawn and the realization of it is what it is.